All the things I never wanted to say...

9:39pm: Kind of bored and kind of thinking...
Hey EVA, this is for you, k?

I AM: figuring out what I am.
I WANT: a car.
I HATE: being down on myself.
I MISS: Aussie accents and the anonymity.
I FEAR: not mattering.
I HEAR: everything! I know all, muaha.
I WONDER: what others are thinking.
I REGRET: trying to be someone I'm not (even if I've done that more than I care to think about).
I AM NOT: thinking too much about the future.
I DANCE: to the radio a lot.
I SING: in the car, ALWAYS.
I CRY: every now and then.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: unhappy.
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: bags of candy at work. Damn, that's sad.
I WRITE: not as much as I used to :(
I CONFUSE: myself constantly.
I NEED: someone.
I SHOULD: exercise more.
I START: a lot of projects that I don't finish.
I FINISH: the projects I love.
I LOVE: much.
I REMEMBER: the most inconvenient things at the most inconvenient times, but also the insignificant important details.

9:06pm: I AM:

-eating banana-pineapple sherbet that my dad made the other day (very banana-y but still good)
-contemplating the new government (excited for change)
-hoping the sun comes out tomorrow (but as long as it's warm I won't complain)
-excited for Saturday, but wondering what will happen (there's going to be a shitload of people, holy man)
-talking to a friend who ... it's been distant lately, but I feel better about it now
-thankful for friends
-happy

:)

9:12pm: Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck fuck.
Why does this keep happening to me?

2:13pm: Realization
I'm beginning to think my problem is just that I have some insecurity issues. Makes sense, non?
I don't know what to do about it, but geez I'm going to have to do something. Fuck.
...Suggestions, anyone?

8:14pm: Patti is....wishing for a personality transplant
I'm so tired.
Unpacking boxes. Doesn't sound like it's that bad, but it does take a lot out of you sometimes. I don't know why, but it does. It doesn't help that I'm running up and down those stairs all fricking day. Arrgh. As much as I love my job, this part's not so fun.
I don't know why I'm complaining. It's funny, with moods. You can be up in the clouds one minute and feel like you're in hell the next. And over the stupidest, most trivial things too. I've been so happy the past couple of weeks, and I don't want that to stop. I'd started to get so sick of myself, how I constantly felt down and stupid and annoying over the dumbest things. I felt like I was probably putting other people through hell, just by being around them. My toxic personality must have just been overwhelming. And writing this now, it seems so stupid. I don't know what I was thinking. All I know is that I have emotions that get the best of me sometimes, and the person that takes the brunt of it is myself.
Personality transplant wishlist: more confidence, skills at "outgoingness" (pretty sure I came up with that myself) happy and carefree attitude. Gratitude.
Oh God, what is wrong with me?

6:12pm: The sun came out yesterday. I don't know how long it'd been since we'd seen the sun, but it felt like forever. I think it was a good week or two, at least. It really made me miss Oz, because there the sun was pretty much constant. Anyway, the sun is out now and it feels like spring is finally on it's way. And after that comes summer.
Right now, everyone's coming home from school, which makes me really happy. Katie gets home tomorrow night, and we're going to a concert on Monday night. I plan to hang out with her as much as possible; I missed that girl a lot. It's been four months since I've seen her! And Abby should be home in another week or so.
I can't wait for the summer; it's going to be so much fun.

8:13pm: i'm a quitter
Gave my notice. Pretty sure they hate me. Hahaha, I don't give a crap.
Today I went into Sandscript and worked and I'm so happy I'm going back. Yayyyyy, happy Patti!
And now I'm off to Brooke's to watch TV shows I don't watch. Should be fun.

*New favorite source of inspiration*
The poem "If" by Rudyard Kipling

9:54pm: happiness is....
GETTING PAID!

I GOT PAID!!!!

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*It's probably not a good thing that this is like a prize to me....it really shouldn't be something that I'm hoping will happen, but something that does happen.

9:29pm: little bit of a rant
*This is not directed to anyone who will ever read this, as far as I know.*

FUCK YOU.

Why the fuck is it okay for you to say that to me, and yet if I ever have a comeback, you shoot me down and act offended. You seem like such a strong person, and everyone likes you, but you must have major insecurity issues or something. You may be "wise," you may be "popular," you may be "smart." You turn on the charm and you let me see the real you, but then you revert to your asshole ways. Why do I let you get to me so much? You were the one that was an ass to me, and yet I'm the one who apologized.
What is wrong with me? What is wrong with you?

3:10pm: Ode to Dial-up
Sittin' here, trying to download something. It's taken...one hour, sixteen minutes, and twenty-one seconds so far. I think it's almost done. I just love dial-up. It really makes you sit down and wait. stop and smell the roses, if you will. Plus, your phone doesn't ring for like an hour. that's kind of relaxing, isn't it?

IT'S DONE! SWEET!

9:56pm: Damn it.
I wanna go back.
I want to get away from this bs.
I want things to be the way they used to be.
Why the hell does everyone I know fly off the fucking handle?
Why does there need to be fucking drama every. Single. Day.......

12:22pm: home again
I'm home.
In answer to the inevitable questions (although you're free to ask more): Yes, I had fun. Yes, I saw kangaroos. Yes, it was warm. Yes, I am most definitely going back someday, I didn't see nearly enough of the country, and there's stuff I'd like to see again. But yeah, I'm kind of glad to be home again. As dorky as that is.

4:51pm: Look at me! I'm in a different country!
I fully had the intention of updating every time I got to a computer while I was away, so as to keep a sort of record of my comings and goings and doings. Whoops.
The story so far: Went to Hawaii, had fabulous time with Mom, Aunt Christine and Pamela (my cousin). We toured around, ate great food, went swimming once, didn't get to go surfing because of the weather but did lots of other things.
For the past four days, I've been in Sydney. Tomorrow Mom and I get a rental car and drive toward Canberra. We'll probably make many stops along the way. It's really warm here and I loooove it. The sun feels so good after those few long winter months.
Anyway, best scoot off. Will actually try to update soon.

9:26pm: I'm in Vancouver, at my Aunt and Uncle's house.
Right now, it feels like ... (count forward 4 hours, Patti) 1:30 AM so I'm really tired. I'm going to bed in a minute; just wanted to make a note that I'm here.
Tomorrow: Hawaii!!
Love you all. Toodles!

8:17pm: Decree #1
When I inevitably rule the world, everyone will listen to Aimee Mann.

11:14am: I just got home a couple hours ago from my going away party at Brooke's. It was hella fun. Eva got me a crown, and I wore it all night :D. I felt special.
I am kind of tired now; when I got home, Mom and Dad told me I could sleep in some more, as long as I met them at 12:15 to go to practice. I tried to sleep for a little while, but I think I was too much awake by then (after getting up and driving home) so I took a bath instead. And it felt soooo good. Ahhhhhhh........
So I am now all relaxed and (somewhat) awake and alert. I just want to thank everyone for coming last night; it meant a lot to me to see everyone. Obviously, not everyone came for me, they came for the party, but I don't care! I looove seeing everyone, especially right now. I love you guys so much, you all have no idea. And I'm going to miss you all, even if I'm only gone for a month, it's going to feel like longer without you guys.
Anyhoo, I should probably go eat something. The last thing i ate......i can't even remember, it seems like so long ago....MMMMM, food......

9:53pm: bumming around...
Today was the first day back to school for UPEI. Man, was it ever weird not to be there. Like, I didn't expect to have such an odd feeling, but I did. "I should be there right now." So weird. Meh, I'm sure I'll be able to shake the feeling soon enough.
Instead of experiencing the joys of higher education, I spent the day doing other things. Abby and I had lunch at the Culinary with Adam; always fun. Then we went to donate blood. After that, we went shopping, got my pictures from Christmas and New Year's developed, went to UPEI to see if anyone was there, ended up going to Subway with Mitch, Brooke, and Aaron, and finally picked up Adam and went to Abby's house. My mom got me there, and then I came home.
it was such a fun day. I love hanging with Abby. We had some good talks, and some funny moments, as always.


....I don't know what I'm going to do with myself for the next three weeks.

10:38pm: Well, it has once again been awhile. So much for updating more. Oh well.
It's two days before Christmas. I've had so much fun in the past week, it seems almost impossible. I love having everybody home; it's incredible. Even seeing people who I'm not close to, but knew, is nice. Had a nice chat with a few people.
I just got back from a concert at my church. We have it for the community every year, and I've gone to it since I was six, so it's just not christmas without it. I'm in this stellar mood right now, and full of cider and food and love for all my friends and my family.
I'm just so happy right now. And proud of myself for singing tonight. Go me.
That's it. Have a wonderful Christmas, guys. I love you.

4:30pm: Ahaha (crazy laughter!)
Well, I didn't want to say anything for awhile, but now it's official and most people know. So here's my news:
I'm going to Australia for a month with my mom!!!
I'm taking next semester off to do this; we leave on Jan. 28th and get back March 3rd, so there's no point in me going to school when I'd be missing a month of classes. It's going to be weird, not going to school, but I'm pretty sure I'll get used to it. I think it may actually be fun, doing something different for awhile. Plus, there's the whole going to australia thing that I think will make it easier. I can't wait to go, it's going to be amazing. Expensive (eep! it's soo expensive!) but amazing. I can't wait!
Anyway, I should be doing my research paper, so I better go. I cannot wait until two weeks from tomorrow, when I'll be done!

7:49pm: OH MY GOSH.
!!!!!!!!!!!!

7:59pm: frickin' sweet
Tonight's gonna be sweet. In less than two hours, I get to see Katie (so excited! I miss her soo much!). Then it's off to Trina and Brooke's place. And we all know what that means .... Dance party! (Or for almost everyone except me: Drunken dance party!)

Ah yes. It shall be a fun night.

10:19pm: i'm not exactly sure....
It's hard to explain what I'm feeling right now. Have you ever felt, not exactly confused, but as if something is juuust out of your grasp of understanding? I'm trying to reach for it, but it keeps slipping away.

I don't know how to make you better.

And I just want to be happy right now.

7:57pm: sickness
Cough cough. Hack hack. Death.

Just thought I'd add that little bit of cheer to your day, as I'm doing my homework and popping a Halls. The mint ones work really well.

EVA: How are you doing? Email me!

5:47pm: school
Wow, it's been a long time since I've updated ... I guess I could use the excuse that I've been insanely busy, but I think that would just be bullshitting. Except for the past week, when I've thought a couple of times that I should update, but then actually did get busy and so I didn't.
I guess my biggest piece of news is we got a laptop! I'm writing on it now, and I'm so excited to finally have a computer that I can actually do things with. No more checking my e-mail at the library! Those days are over!
And I've started university. I'm actually enjoying it; I like the atmosphere here. I don't like the work, but that's just because I'm lazy after a summer of having fun. I find it so hard to get back in the grind.
I miss Abby and Katie. A lot. It's so difficult having two of your best friends gone. Not being able to talk to them whenever I want is hard.
I also miss Danielle, Eva, Bryan, Alex, Amanda, Sara, etc. (If there's anyone I'm forgetting, don't kill me, it's just because I'm sleep deprived)
I guess that's about it; I should probably do some reading for English (groan! Definitely not my fave course at the moment). Will update again soon.

7:43pm: Bleh.

I am sick of my thoughts.

I am sick of wishing for something that I know will never, ever, happen.